An Urban Safari Through Vancouver's Commercial Drive

As the lone gay exits Vancouver's SkyTrain station on Commercial Drive, he tentatively darts to the nearest coffee shop in order to obtain a beverage with which to adorn his hand, so as to grant himself safe passage on his way home. After leaving the coffee shop, he walks down the street past the grocery store, where we can find the high school drop-out obtaining his means of sustenance. We exchange cold glances that show we are both in unfamiliar habitats.

A short walk further and I encounter one of the two species native to this area: the hipster. Frightening and annoying to members outside of their pack, these animals tend to congregate in coffee shops, vegan-friendly restaurants, thrift stores, and less well-known/"underground" clubs. They often decorate their thin forms with garments that have had multiple previous owners, or were at least manufactured by American Apparel. These beings rely entirely on their sense of sight to identify another member of their pack. Alone, these beings do not present much of a threat; however, when among other members of the pack they can be deadly. Their judgement will scorch the shit outta you and their tongues can cut gaping holes in one's self-esteem. Upon encountering a pack of hipsters, one must take one of two approaches. The first is to beat them at their own game and try to look more apathetic to the whole situation then they are. The other approach is to put yourself into a category that is beyond usually out of their area of judgement. Being gay is one such area (unless encountering the gay hipster, in which case, go for the first approach). Noting no gay hipsters, the gay opts for the second approach and sashays away from their judgement.

Nearing the end of his journey, the gay begins to relax before encountering the other species native to this area: the lesbian. Being a related species, the gay has little to fear as long as he does not bring up any of the following subjects: vegan lifestyles, why people have started spelling the word woman with a "y", and the lesbian "U-haul" in a negative way. Safely navigating this encounter, he flees down his side street to the protective rainbow cocoon of his basement suite.